Patrick Shand’s new short film, White Rapper Love, has been released! Watch it right here.
How To Fix Heroes
Feb 9
“How to Fix Heroes.” Perhaps the most unoriginal title ever. Since the second season of the once critically acclaimed show came out, people have been writing article after article, suggesting ways to fix the show. Most of them are obvious and completely impossible routes (“get Jane Espenson, Jeffrey Bell, and any other writer who has ever worked on a Joss Whedon or J. J. Abrams show to be showrunner!”). Yeah, well… not happening. The show already has a staff of writers (of varying talent), and at this point, it’s not pulling enough ratings for the network to want to pay for higher caliber writers. Other articles, such as the recently “How To Save Heroes,” or as I call it, “How to Fix Heroes – The Wrong Version” that TV.com published offer ways to fix the plot. Now, they’re onto something, but their ideas more or less suck. Kill Sylar. Huh. Right. Getting rid of the show’s best actor is definitely the way to fix things. Also, let’s hire the cast of Jersey Shore as series regulars and enlist the the writers of Tyler Perry’s House of Payne to spice up the writing. Now there’s an idea.
Except not.
Here, from the squishy brain of a crazed and borderline talented writer who for some reason is still somewhat passionate about these characters, is how to fix Heroes.
Or, “save,” if you’re into corny wordplay.
(I am)
1. Keep Sylar Good
Wait. I know. Allow me to vent for you. *GASP* “WHAT!? That’s– YOU’RE AN IDIOT!”
Maybe. But the writer’s have made the dude flip-flop more than Nemo on a grill. He was the Big Bad of the first season, did a whole bunch of villainous traveling in the second season, turned good in the third season before going back to the dark side full tilt in the middle of that season, went through a whole thing where he thought he was Nathan Petrelli (that, actually, was surprisingly well done until Nathan’s cheesy death), went full tilt bad when he got his memories back, and then finally, after spending what seemed to be five years trapped in a prison of his mind with Peter Petrelli, Sylar… turned good in time for last night’s finale. Sylar even called himself a “hero.” For the sake of not being the most wishy-washy show on the air, keep the bastard good. As badass as he was while bad… it’s enough. Make his redemption tough, yes. Make him struggle. Make it so that he’s alienated because he’s spent years terrorizing all the other heroes. Make it tragic. And yes, in the fifth season, at the very end… kill him. It’s a natural end to his quest for redemption, and it would be a fitting end for Heroes which, yes, has essentially become The Sylar Show.
This brings me to…
2. Make the Next Season the Final Season
The first season of Heroes made me love these characters. The love remained throughout some badly written arcs because characters are why I love fiction so much. Great plots are awesome, yes, but I always come for characters first. It’s why I dig Joss Whedon’s character driven shows so much. It’s why smaller scale, more intimate episodes like the first season’s Company Man is the best episode of the series.
I say all of this because, despite how awesome the characters were and how invested in them I still might be, I don’t trust the writers to not ruin them if they’re given more than one more renewal. I hesitate to even say “do a fifth season” because, in some way’s, yesterday’s season finale can function as a series finale. The heroes have been hiding for four seasons, isolated from the world. The episode ends with Claire exposing herself and, thus, outing them. A somewhat fitting end. But I want the characters arcs to all wrap up. I want the end, not just a functioning end. So, writers, approach the fifth season as if it’s your last. Tell the story you’ve been wanting to tell. Wrap it up. Make it epic. Maybe, like Sylar, you can redeem yourselves.
3. Suck on Bryan Fuller’s Ballsack
Bit crude, but it’s necessary. The third season of the show was by far the most inconsistent. It had consisted of two volumes (the utterly awful Villains and the on-and-off decent Fugitives), and it really hit a new low for the series. At the most dire moment, the best writer the show ever had, Bryan Fuller (writer of the aforementioned Company Man and also the creator of Dead Like Me, Wonderfalls, and Pushing Daisies) came back to save the day. His presence in the writers room actually gave season three a powerful end, and kicked off the fourth season with a bang. When did the fourth season descend into suckery? Why, when Bryan Fuller moved on! So… why not at least try sucking his balls a little bit? It might help the show. DO IT. I bet they taste like pie.
4. Now For the Killin’
Kill Tracy Strauss. The misuse of Ali Larter (the actress who plays Strauss) as a whole has been one of the worst aspects of the show since the third season. Larter played the do-anything-for-her-son mother for the first two seasons. She died in a fire. Then, since the writers are too vagine to write an actor out of the show, they brought her back. As a different character. As a… genetically enhanced triplet? And then she died… but then she became water, so she didn’t? And now she only appears as a deus ex machina and also, when they want her to be, a villain? Also, she’s annoying. Get rid of her. No one cares about Tracy Strauss anymore and/or ever.
And, writers, please… kill Matt Parkman. Make it heroic, for sure. Make Mohinder be there, so it’s all sorts of sad. But Parkman turned from the lovable dude who you can’t help but sympathize with to the most annoying person on the show not played by Ali Larter. Only way to make the guy interesting again is to kill him. Also, we wouldn’t have to deal with any more of his bizarre tweets (“Nah, the show DEFINITELY isn’t getting cancelled, ’cause we ended on a cliffhanger and networks never cancel shows that don’t resolve their plots!”), which would not suck.
5. Have a Consistent and Smaller Cast
The cast should be this: Sylar, Peter, Claire, Noah, Hiro, Ando, Mohinder, and Emma. And Matt (until he dies… hopefully sooner rather than later). No need for new characters, aside from whoever the writers choose to make the Big Bad of the season. I’l echo the TV.com article on this one, actually, and request a female villain. The cast is a sausage fest and all these dudes could do with a girl to kick their asses.
6. Stop Limiting Hiro
The writers gave Hiro an unstoppable power. Then, they spent every season since the first finding out new ways to limit him. They sent him back in time. They made him lose his powers. They made him choose not to use his powers. They made him have cancer so he couldn’t use his powers. Stop it, writers. Stop it. Be creative. Spend time thinking about what you want to do with Hiro. Use what you’ve got. Don’t use your resources in order to skirt around what you’ve got.
and finally…
7. Plot, Plot, Plot
Plot the entire season out in the writers room. Plot out the character arcs. If the writers did either of those two things, it wouldn’t feel so damn random. Even supporting characters are evil one day, good the next. Such as Doyle. When they needed him to be pathetic and redeemed, he was. When they needed a reason for Emma to play a damn cello, they made him all evil and arch again. If the show gets renewed for a fifth and hopefully final season (I’d settle for a TV movie to wrap it up as well), then hopefully the writers will stop insulting the fans with such badly planned story arcs.
So, that’s it. How, in a nutshell, to fix the seemingly unfixable. Oh, or, erm, you guys could, ah, hire me, and uh, I’d… you know… fix your currently pretty shitty show? Sound good? I can start on Monday.
-Patrick Shand
CHECK OUT MATTY RIZZ’S FIRST ARTICLE: PREDICTIONS FOR THE DECADE
Jersey Shore: This Generation’s FRIENDS?
If someone told me last year that there was going to be a show called Jersey Shore and it wasn’t going to star Bruce Springsteen, I wouldn’t have been able to fathom it. Yet, once again, MTV and their reality shows (not music videos) continue to amaze me. Whoever thought of assembling several strangers in their twenties to live in a house with each other for a few weeks? Oh that’s right, MTV in the early 90s.
The Real World was successful because viewers were interested in how these tremendously different people interacted with one another. The only common denominators between all of the cast mates of all the seasons were the raging hormones, the love of partaking in the consumption of alcohol, and screaming at each other in various stages of undress.
On Jersey Shore, however, the cast members are not much different from each other. All fit the guido/guidette stereotype. They all come from New York metropolitan area with the exception of Pauly D, who I initially thought was one of Victoria Gotti’s sons. A night out to each and everyone of the cast is “beating that beat” or “clubbing”. With the exception of Angelina who departed early in the season, the cast (towards the end) looked more like a group of friends than just a collection of twenty-somethings MTV picked through audition tapes.
Hmmm… they looked like friends… or maybe Friends? Yes I know, many of you are going to disagree with me, but let’s face it. The similarities are there. Ronnie and Sami Sweatheart are the Ross and Rachel of the show. We all watched them break up and many of us are hoping that they get back together. This is kind of the storyline that Friends had going for ten seasons. How many times did people ask each other about Ross and Rachel, are they or aren’t they?
I believe that Jersey Shore is this generations Friends because, of the impact the show has had on popular culture since it premiered during the first week of December. In the past weeks, I have seen so many commercials for Bumpits, I’m thinking about purchasing one myself. Yet I could never make my hair look like Snookie’s. If it keeps going the way it is, the “Snookie Poof” could become as popular as Jennifer Aniston’s “The Rachel” hairstyle.
Jersey Shore has caught the attention of many from the ages of 13 to 30. It is so popular that MTV asked them to come back for a second season. In a move that was Friends-esque, the cast negotiated a deal with MTV, that according to OK! Magazine the cast will earn 10,000 bucks an episode each. A very smart move by the cast, seeing that they probably won’t last as long as Friends did. Most MTV reality shows are lucky if they make it to five seasons. The few that did are Viva La Bam, Run’s House, and The Hills. I guess if you want to call it a reality show, Pimp My Ride. If you really want to see how popular Jersey Shore is, just look at the amount of viewers it had for its season finale, that aired January 21st, 2010. 4.8 million viewers watched to see the cast end their summer. Comparing Jersey Shore average viewers to that of the past season of The City, Jersey Shore blows them away 1.6 million to 2.8 million. Jersey Shore also had 200,000 more viewers than The Hills did during the second half of this past season.
Now many of us will eagerly await for the start of the second season. Many more will most likely become fans because MTV loves to show reruns like a drunk loves to drink. Most likely the cast will appear in a new location far from the presently cold Seaside Heights. None of us want to see Snooki freeze her ass off and The Situation is less likely to show off his abs while wearing a winter jacket. It probably won’t be the same. Friends was to New York City as the Jersey Shore cast is to well the Jersey Shore but we will still watch.
-Matty Rizz
The Gruesome Guzzler
Jan 27
Check out this skit (and bloopers), shot entirely on a Blackberry!
